I Will Walk No More

One of the early evolution of Mitzi's fear-based personality involved a complete and total refusal to walk. She would take enough steps as needed to pee on flowers but then she would walk no more. I pulled, I cajoled, I offered treats, I worried that I looked like a bad dog owner. Nothing.

I decided it was time to get a trainer. I found one that would come to my place. When she arrived she immediately starting talking to my dog in baby talk. Random strangers also do this when I'm out walking and I find it completely bizarre. They're all like: 'you're such a pretty girl, yes you are, yes you are!'. For reals, this happens. And I'm like: 'what the fuuuuuuuuckkkk!' But only in my head. In real life I have an awkward smile plastered on my face.

Anyhoo, this trainer was actually pretty great. She got Mitzi walking again (her advice: pull HARDER!) and she confirmed what I knew: my dog was scared and defensive but not at all aggressive.

She also told me I should talk to her in enthusiastic baby talk.

Um...

I do not do baby talk. I don't know if humans can share their organs with animals but I'm going to assume they can. I would give Mitzi a kidney but I will not talk to her in a voice that would cause me to vomit with every sentence.

And really, I don't talk enthusiastically about anything, except maybe tacos, Talisman (being supreme winner of), if I think you are wrong and I am right (which is always), people who drive while being idiots (more on that later) and zombie attacks (which is our future, clearly).

But it's okay, I found a way to connect with my dog that does not compromise my strong stance on baby talk. I'm not going to deny that a certain lilt has slowly crept into my voice. I'm not going to deny that sometimes I just sit and kiss my dog while calling her gorgeous. But baby talk? Fuck no.

Suicide Attempt #1

After a few weeks of being too terrified to react to anything, Mitzi started reacting to everything. When we walked by other dogs, her eyes would go crazy, she would lunge and jump at them and bark her head off. Sometimes I would try to explain that she was a rescue and still adjusting, other times I would just get the french toast out of there. Talking to strangers is hard, talking to them when you have the Hound of Hell seemingly trying to kill their dog is slightly harder. It was a complete front though, she is totally harmless. She was really saying: 'Don't come near meeee!!! But if you do I will totally run away! My barks are meaningless. MEANINGLESS!'. I found out later this is common in fearful dogs, at the time, I knew nothing. Actually, I knew one thing, in Greece she played happily with other dogs but that was in a large, open space. Look at her up there with her Greek pals, she's like 'hey, buds, let's fucking party!!!. My solution was to take her to an off-leash dog park. What a fool I was.

I picked a nice, big one close to my house, down at the lake. It was full of trees, squirrels and usually not too many dogs. Perfect. Nope, opposite of perfect.

At first she just kind of ran away barking from every dog that approached her but I thought 'good, she's getting exercise'. And really, she didn't seem THAT scared. It turns out my eyes didn't really know total dog fear when they saw it. A fellow dog owner came up to me and asked 'new dog'. I said 'yes' but I was thinking 'YOU DON'T KNOW ME!'. Anyhoo we chatted for a bit and then I saw him start to run like a maniac. Mitzi was trying to jump the fence out of the dog park. One thing though, the spot she was trying to jump led to a 10 foot drop, right into Lake Ontario. By the time I started running she was at the top of the fence a mere second from plummeting to her (possible) death. Fellow dog owner got there just in time and grabbed her for me. I felt so guilty. I had pushed her too hard. She needed more time. Also, she pooed her pants. But I could not blame her for that.